This is an old classic, but it’s still pretty funny. I’m not sure it needs much analysis on my part. Enjoy!
Please forgive me for the link. I’m still trying to figure out how to embed video, and as soon as I do I will fix it.
This is an old classic, but it’s still pretty funny. I’m not sure it needs much analysis on my part. Enjoy!
Please forgive me for the link. I’m still trying to figure out how to embed video, and as soon as I do I will fix it.
I know it’s early in the year to give out awards, but I think this one is sewn up already. Besides, it’s my blog and I give out the awards so if I want to amend the award, it’s my right. This nominee is proof that ghetto has nothing to do with color. I’m hoping you agree with my nomination.
Yesterday I was watching The View. Yes, the view; it’s okay call me a bitch. I can handle it. I watch The View because I play a little drinking game. Whenever Sherrie says something stupid you drink one sip. When Elizabeth says something with a right wing agenda you drink two drinks, and when Whoopi rolls the area where her eyebrows used to be finish what’s in your glass. Most days I’m bombed by 11:25 AM EST. So the ladies of The View had The Octomom as their guest. You’ll notice the tone of this entry is a little more biting than usual, but this bitch makes my blood boil. I get a visceral reaction every time I see her on television or in the news paper. She’s an easy target, but now that she has a book and reality show she is fair game. She used to be a pitiful figure, now she’s a media personality.
I’m a big believer that if you put yourself out into the spotlight, then you better be prepared to be tried in the court of public opinion. Not that I am anybody, but I’m prepared for it. I write and I put it out there for the public to read. My writing and I are in fair play. If you want to call me out for using a semi colon instead of a comma (true story), then be prepared to get it back. But if you want to call my ideas and ideals out on the carpet, go for it. I welcome it.
So back to our Ghetto Hoochie of The Year or GHTY. I’m all for exploiting your talent. And you should be paid for said talent if you can do it. I have no problem with that. If you’re a reality star, and you’re milking your fifteen minutes, go for it. It doesn’t last forever. But like I stated earlier, be prepared for what comes with it. Can somebody please tell me what this woman’s God given talent is other than an Adamantium uterus? I was going to say titanium, but even that has a breaking point. I can go on about this bitch forever and it’s not fair to you, you’ve heard it all before and I’m sure you feel the same.
Here is why she wins the award. First of all she has too many kids. She had six already and rather than getting her tubes tied she decides to have another one. She got eight in the process. Is there such a big difference in from having six kids and then having a seventh? I could see going from one to two, but six to seven? She already had a hockey team, I guess she needed another skater for when she pulled the goalie. I knew kids who were the youngest 13. Understand that this was in 70′s and they were Irish. They were Catholic and they were still following the antiquated views of the church. The only times you hear about families that big are the hood, if they’re Mormon, or in reality shows because they’re that rare.
Second, she’s living off public assistance. She claims she is not, but what the hell is disability? What the hell is financial aid? They are handouts paid by the government that come from tax dollars. She might have gotten hurt working for the short time she did work, but she’s not working now. That’s a hand out. I’m not disputing if she’s hurt or not, but she didn’t actually work for the money. She got financial aid while she was in school. That’s still a hand out. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, but you don’t get paid to go to school. It’s all hand outs. You’re not working for it and it all comes from the givernment (yes the misspelling is intentional.) Own it bitch. I’m on public assistance. I’m not proud of it, but I am collecting unemployment. I’ve had a job virtually every day of my life since I was sixteen, but every week I get a hand out from an entity other than my job. The economy sucks, and sometimes you need help. It’s not a good thing, but sometimes it’s necessary. But taking that money that was given to you and using it to have another kid when you have six, which is a lot to begin with, it’s tantamount to buying a Lexus and living in the projects. Think about how much baby stuff she could have bought for her six kids as opposed to having another eight embryos implanted.
She has an unrealistic sense of entitlement. She’s now got a reality show and a book deal. She did NOTHING to deserve them. She’s like the kid from the hood who auditions for American Idol and can’t sing. She’s the kid who says he’s going to play pro ball but yet has no jump shot and refuses to practice. She thinks everything in her world is okay and that she did nothing wrong. She’s delusional. She denies having plastic surgery, but the untouched photos are all over the internet. For some reason she thinks she’s so interesting and deserves what she is getting. It’s a real shame that she was just that crazy bitch with the million kids and now she is approaching John Mayer territory. She now has a staff of people telling her how great she is and how she can have anything she wants. The worst part of this whole thing is that she’s now going to have fourteen kids thinking it’s okay to behave as they choose and not have any ramifications. Fourteen crazy trust fund babies running around.
So Octomom, I give you the award of The Ghetto Hoochie of The Year. This is the one thing that you have earned…maybe the only thing I know of. But the award is not all fun and games. With great power comes great responsibility. With this award part of your duties are to pay back all the money you took in public assistance, but keep a little bit for yourself. Get yourself a nice tube tying and head to your local Home Depot and pick up a blow torch. Head over to the clinic and scorch any eggs you still have frozen. If you want to donate that uterus of yours to science please do. Maybe scientists can replicate it and make a stronger armor for tanks and planes. Our boys overseas need it.
I want to talk about something that I think is important, life and death even. This is an area where I think I can provide insight that can save lives and make the quality of life easier. I want to discuss getting pulled over and confrontations with the police. I am well aware of the inherent tension between young men of color and law enforcement. Now I know it’s not every case, but I can tell you from what I have seen it is the rule rather than the exception. I do understand both sides of the argument, and it’s kind of like a he said she said situation. The cops are just harassing me because I’m black/Spanish/Middle Eastern. Well he matched the description.
The truth is there are realities involved here. The police have a job to do and it does have potential for danger. If you have been to one police funeral, you have been to too many. Knowing that this day of work could be your last on earth can put a person a little on edge. Most of the time when the police arrive it’s because they have been summoned by somebody for whatever reason. There’s a good chance that the reason could be you. Now I am not saying you did anything wrong but there’s a chance that the crazy old lady on the eight floor picked up the phone and called 911 to say that you were selling drugs. Regardless of if you were or not, the police still have to go to the scene and investigate. It’s their job…they raise their right hand and take an oath. Doctors take oaths and you’d be pretty upset if you went to a doctor and they didn’t treat you. Now with this being said, I know the police could be less gruff when they go about this appointed task. I have no choice to be honest though, I have done it both ways.
I’ve rolled up on a bunch of men hanging outside the projects, lights on, breaks screeching, screaming up against the wall mother fuckers. Legs were kicked out, bodies were thrown down, hats and beepers slammed on the floor. Was it right, not really. But when you get a call of a man with a gun in an exact location, with a detailed description, and said person just so happens to be in the spot where they were alleged to be; then the adrenaline starts flowing and you are ready to go. As I got older and wiser, I realized that most of the calls I went on were unfounded. It could be that crazy old woman on the eight floor or it could be somebody who had a beef with said person. There is a chance that said male could truly be up to no good.
Criminals have been known to carry guns, but after I became a little older and a little wiser I saw a whole new way of doing things. My new approach was this: I’d roll up slowly, there’s no need for lights and sirens when I get there. If said person was in possession of a firearm, this would only help to elevate their nervousness and that’s when bad things can happen. I’d approach and address the crowd as gentlemen. Listen Mutt has a way of riling people up and with cooler heads there is less friction. In a direct and commanding voice I would tell everybody for their safety and mine to please turn around and place their hands on the wall. I’d like to say something like “Gentlemen, I know you’ve done this before, and you know how the game is played. The more cooperative you are the quicker I will be out of your hair.” I would do my search and if it turned up nothing, I would pull the person who was the subject of the call and ask the dispatcher to replay the description of the person in question. When they heard the suspect was a male black 5’9″ to 6’1″, 180 pounds wearing blue jeans, work boots and and a Tim Brown jersey standing in front of 428 W 27th Street, it was not racial, it was not personal it was just part of the job.
I tell you that story not for you to say, wow he’s a nice guy; or he was a good cop. I tell you to show you that there can be another way to do things, but sometimes life gets in the way and being human clouds judgment. And if you are confronted by the police you need to keep this issues in mind. These are men and women who ultimately want to go home at the end of the day. I know it’s hard to think about that when you are being pulled over or being held on a wall at gunpoint. We’re taught in the academy that car stops and family disputes are the two most dangerous encounters we will have out there, so again when you encounter the police in one of those situations there is a good chance they will be on edge.
This is a subject that we can debate forever, but there is a reality involved here. I just want to leave you with some tips for dealing with the police in confrontational situations:
Now I am sure you are saying to yourself, “Why the hell should I have to listen to them? All they are going to do is harass me.” No that’s not true. It might seem that you are being harassed, but the cop chances are is just doing his job. Now you can easily say that cops do harass people of color and often. I respond with this, there are thousands of cops out there. New York City has close to 40,000. They interact with hundreds of thousands of people every day and yes there are incidents, but compared with the number of confrontations the number is small. I’m not denying the fact that cops can be assholes. I’ve been one, and I’ve worked with assholes. There is a percentage of people who are just assholes, regardless of what they do for a living. The police are never called when things are good. You never pick up the phone, dial 911 and say “Operator, I’m loving life right now, please send armed men to my apartment so I can tell them.” And the fact of the matter is that bad interactions with the police do tend to stick in one’s memory. With that in your memory, it’s easy to make an assumption about somebody strictly based on their uniform…just as easy as it is to make an assumption based on skin color.
I am going to conclude now. I’ve said a lot here. You might be thinking that it’s all about cops racially profiling people of color, and that’s the subject for a whole other blog entry.
Greetings Playas and Shorties. Today I want to bring to your attention my two nominations for Parent of The Year. Now these two fine specimens should share the award equally, and one nominee should for his effort receive the prize of a stoning, and I’m not talking about smoking some weed. I am talking about stoning in a biblical sense. Shamsid-Din Abdur-Raheem, 21, of Galloway Township, New Jersey is currently being held in an Essex County Correctional Facility because he is unable to make his bail of Seven Hundred Thousand Dollars. The crime Mr. Abdur-Raheem’s crime is being charged with is attempted murder. He did intentionally injure his sixty year old mother-in-law by striking her in the face and choking her.
Now to some he might seem completely justified for doing that to his mother-in-law, and some might argue that the bail is exorbitant. But if we look further at this case we can see that these actions of harm were performed while he was kidnapping his three month old daughter. Custody battles and violence often go hand in hand. What makes this case so unique is that after snatching the newborn, he proceeded to drive to the Raritan River and throw the baby into the freezing waters below.
The second nominee and although I do not feel she deserves the same fate as the first nominee, I feel at the very least she deserves an award of an elective surgery with all the cost absorbed by the state. That surgery should be a complementary tubal ligation. When I first heard about Jennifer Rodriguez’s offer of Ten Thousand Dollars (U.S.) for the return of her son, I was compassionate. I feel for the woman and thought she should be commended for making an effort for doing whatever she could to ensure the return of her son. Then I looked further at the situation.
Seven year old Patrick Alford Jr. walked out of his foster home in The Spring Creek Housing Development. Wait a second…foster home? Surely a mother who would be willing to offer a ten thousand dollar reward would have the means to provide a decent life for her child. Hmmm, here’s a thought Jenny, how about you spend that ten G’s on young Patrick, or was that your kidnapping reward fund for just such an occasion? If we delve deeper, we see that the child was removed because she was arrested on larceny charges. Hold the phone…you were stealing, but you have ten grand? WTF? The child could not be placed with the father because Ms. R, who just so happens to be from my home town of Shaolin made an allegation against the child’s father’s new girlfriend that she was abusing the poor boy. It’s a statement that she later recanted saying she made it when she was high on PCP. Holy Shit! PCP? Really? Didn’t we learn anything from those stupid videos in high school about dust? Don’t you know you could put your kid in an oven while on that stuff…oh that’s right you don’t care about your kid. Top this all off with the fact that after the boy left the home she was jailed for contempt because the judge believes there is more to the situation than she is letting on and does not believe that she is being completely up front with her statement that she has no knowledge of the boy’s whereabouts. Jenny, for you I nominate you for the Casey Anthony Award…you’ve earned it baby.
Am I being a judgmental douche, yeah. I’m a parent and there are times I want to find the off switch for The Tasmanian Baby. I never laid a hand on him, but there are times I sure want to. Ultimately my question is this…how the fuck can either of you live with yourselves? I think you both should do the responsible thing and find the largest fast moving object you can find (an express train would work well) and try and kiss it when it’s moving at full speed. Not a little peck either, but a full on open mouth kiss. You’d be doing the world and your kids if either of them are still alive a huge favor.
For both these children, I pray that you are both safe by some miracle. I hope the three month old landed on some floating debris and that you are cold and safe, but like little Moses you are found and rescued and sent to live with a rich monarch, but not an oppressive one like Pharaoh. And you little Patrick Alford Jr. I pray that you are safe and with a relative. Then they grow a conscience and turn you over to the police. You are then turned over to your father who realizes that he could have lost you forever and it serves as a lesson to him and he treats you with love and respect for the rest of your life. A man can dream, can’t he?
Hello blogees. Please forgive the tardiness of this entry as I was out of commission with a slight case of bronchitis. If you weren’t aware of the situation with John Mayer, he gave an interview to Playboy which he made some remarks which the media jumped all over. Jump on the Google and type John Mayer and the words blazing stupidity and you should have no problem finding what he said.
I have the overwhelming desire to stick up for the man. After you hear some of what he said, it would be easy to label him the dreaded R Word…RACIST. For white people, it seems like the worst thing you can say about them is to call them racist. Take somebody like Bernie Madoff, yeah he swindled people out of billions, but thank god he never dropped the N Bomb, that would have put him right up there with Hitler. Fact of the matter is that the public perception of Michael Richards might have won forgiveness easier had he shot those hecklers rather than describe his desire to treat them like slaves. See something wrong with this? Words hurt, but knives and guns hurt a hell of a lot more.
Now back to Johnny Boy. John Mayer is an idiot but I don’t think he’s any more racist than any other average person. I think we’re all a little racist, how can you not be? You were raised a certain way with certain perceptions. It’s all how you handle that fact and how you act towards a person who is different as opposed to what resides in the privacy of one’s own mind, that’s the defining factor.
Let’s look at the two inflammatory comments and I will try and break down the stupidity of it, but I don’t think I can find the evil, it’s just not there. In the interview Mayer when asked about his preference for women of different races, he responded that his member was a white supremacist. Personally with my warped sense of humor I find that remark pretty funny. It’s not PC, and you can tell he was the one who came up with it; but I think it’s pretty damn clever. Jim Norton summed it up best when he said that John Mayer is a guy who loves comedians. He did a little standup and has been known to hang out with comics. Norton stated that what he said was controversial for a main stream guy (which Mayer is) but nothing for a standup to say. In his circles, Mayer’s remark would have gotten a laugh and not the backlash it has received. Should we be vilifying the man because he is white and that he prefers to sleep with white women? I know a white guy who is only attracted to Dominican women…is he a racist?
The second comment was in regards to Mayer’s musical activities and the reception it was receiving amongst black listeners. Mayer wanting to state how down he was said that he had been awarded a “nigger pass.” Sorry if the use of the word offends you, I was just quoting the man, and the PC term of The N Word did not feel right grammatically. This is the same John Mayer who appeared in the hilarious skit on The Chappelle Show and afterwards Dave went on record saying something to the extent that John Mayer was really cool and that people had no idea about the man. I don’t care what race you are an endorsement from Dave Chappelle gives automatic cred. The fact is that Mayer does have cred in the black music scene. He released Grammy Award winning blues album, he has a backup band made up of black musicians, and he’s worked with Common and Kanye. He’s not your typical airhead musician who thinks he is so self important that what he thinks is the only way. I’m not a fan, but you can’t argue with the man’s talent and diversity.
What Mayer is guilty of is being a rich white person, and with that comes certain issues that transcend anything racial. Having been a bodyguard for rich white people, they do not live in the same plane of existence as you and I. When you have enough money to pay somebody to wait in line at DMV for you, you have no idea what the everyday struggles the “common” man goes through. You become oblivious to other people’s feelings, it just goes with the territory. When you have enough money to say “I want something,” pretty much no matter what it is and then be able to get it, the rules no longer apply to you. I will give you a perfect example, while driving my client one day they inquired why there was traffic. After few moments of saying to myself, “is this bitch serious?” My response “was well Ma’am we’re heading into Midtown Manhattan and it’s rush hour.” They just believe they’re different from the rest of us, and do everything they can to make it so. In John’s case he can walk into a room and walk away with any women he want just because he is John Mayer. That’s got to change a man’s view of himself. How could a flawed creature like man not develop a God complex?
So I am going to spare John Mayer from being called the R (racist) word and instead I have no choice but to call him a different R word, retarded. Oh great, now I pissed off Sarah Palin. Honestly though, I don’t feel so bad as she is another person who can’t possibly see another person’s point of view. In her case it’s not a financial thing. It’s strictly an intellectual (or lack of) thing.
I was done blogging for the day, but I felt compelled to bring this to your attention my fellow hoodsters. I always contend that ghetto is a state of mind and a series of behaviors as opposed to a location. Well the good people at L.A Gang Tours (www.lagangtours.com) have decided to show you different. For $65 US you too can take a bus tour of South Central Los Angeles. At first I was like “Bus Driver Please!” Then I went to their website and saw what they were really about.
At first glance I was thinking, “Who the hell wants to tour the hood, and by bus no less?” I can’t imagine why somebody would want to visit sites like the L.A. County Jail, something called a graffiti lab, and the scene of the largest exchange of gunfire on U.S. shores since the Civil War (an incident I used to teach a class on while I was a cop.) Then I saw an interview with Mr. Alfred Lomas and saw what he was all about. Mr. Lomas a former gang member who turned his life around had come up with this idea. Lomas was clean cut, and very well spoken, you would not expect him to don colors and a gun. He struck me more as somebody who went to a Seven Sisters school and now worked in banking. His hidden tattoos told a different story. Upon reading an article written about him in the L.A. Times, I saw I couldn’t be more wrong. His was a story not much different from other kids in depressed areas everywhere. In a gang by 12, by 21 hooked on crack and later meth. He used his training he got in the Marines for less than pure purposes like counter surveillance of cops watching his fellow gangsters. Then for some reason he decided he was done with it. Now he spends his days acting like the social worker who goes where others won’t dare tread.
His tour company is 100% non profit and he says that all money after expenses goes right back into the community. In addition he creates jobs for those who would be up to no good otherwise. The tour does require you to sign a waiver that there is a chance you could die. On the bright side they do give you lunch. He says that he has done what no politician in L.A. could ever do. He got the gangs to stand down and he offers safe passages for the tours. Mr. Lomas likens his tours to going to The Museum of Intolerance. I’m thinking it’s a stretch, as I have trouble comparing common criminals, cowards who need to fly colors; who die because of their choices to six million executions and millions other tortured do not compare.
I am rooting hard for Mr. Lomas to succeed. He found the strength to turn his life around and rather than run far and fast, he opted to make his corner of the world a better place. How can you not root for him? I understand the waivers, they are necessary. They will serve a dual purpose as thrill seeking suburbanites will think it’s all part of the show. And I admit that I am skeptical as to how he got rivals to lay down their arms when the tour bus rolls down Crenshaw; but I hope that this is the little tour bus that could. When I saw the concept I couldn’t help but think it’s the west coast version of the Soprano’s tour. Then once I read on I knew it was far from it. Mr. Lomas if you succeed, and enlighten people as to what really happens in the hood all the while keeping “the agreement” you have, then you deserve the key to the city from Mayor Villaraigosa at the very least, and maybe even the next Nobel Peace Prize. Thank you Mr. Lomas!
I might be in the minority here, but I am a much bigger fan of Sean Carter than I am of Jay Z. Sean Carter is a guy who rose up out of The Marcy Houses in Bed Stuy to become a mogul, not just a hip hop mogul; but a genuine force of culture in this country. Look at him, he owns the Nets. He’s married to Beyonce. Personally I was more about Kelly Rowland, but find me a list of hot women Beyonce doesn’t make…okay maybe a list of really hot amputees; but you can’t deny the woman is gorgeous. He own hotels and restaurants. The man sold Roc-a-Wear clothes for close to a quarter of a billion (yes that’s with a B) dollars, and still keep a substantial chunk of the company. The man embodies the American Dream.
Now if we look at his alter ego, Jay Z, Hova or whatever he calls himself, it is my contention that the man is not a good rapper. I know my opinion is so far off from the consensus, but like I always say about opinions; they are like assholes…everybody has them. Have I heard every track he had laid down, not I have not. The ones I have, I just don’t get the appeal. The only song I actually like is when he collaborated with Linkin Park. Maybe it’s my age as the reason why I don’t like him. I know it’s not my color. You can put on Ain’t No Half Steppin by Big Daddy Kane (who Jay used to be his hype man) and I know all the words. Put on Paid in Full and by Erik B and Rakim, and I know every beat, every sample. Put on Strictly Business by Erick and Parrish Making Dollars (that’s EPMD for those not in the know) and damn son I am useless because I have to hear that song. But if you put on Hard Knock Life and I get angry. I say shit like “How the hell does anybody like this?” and “This man is not hitting a SINGLE beat. His lyrics cannot hold a candle to something written on a diner napkin by KRS-ONE.
Now I know this is probably me. You cannot argue with the success he has had with his music. It has given him the opportunity to become the mogul that his is and showcase to the world what an amazing business man he is. Hey Jay if you’re reading this man, I have much love for you and whenever I hear about something you do (especially philanthropic) I am a vocal cheerleader. Your behavior is an example for how people with money should act. But I just don’t think I’ll ever like your music. Sorry man, it’s just personal taste. Please, though please, it gives the rest of us mere mortals hope that we can one day stand in the shade of the giant shadow you cast.
So at the risk of sounding racist, I am going to make a bold statement. Affirmative Action is a complete piece of garbage. This idea is tantamount to saying minorities cannot compete with the white man, so let’s lower the bar so they can keep up with us. I don’t know any reasonable person who thinks that statement has validity. I understand the basis for this now insane concept, but in 2010 it is outdated and does nothing but “keep the black man down.”
I understand this is slightly controversial, but let me give my reasoning and hear me out before you make a judgment. When I was a cop, we had something called “Quota Sergeants.” They were minority cops who took the sergeant’s promotional test and did not pass. Because of affirmative action the number of eligible cops was expanded to include a certain amount of minority candidates. So does anybody else think this is a bad idea? Do you really want to have people supervising police officers who should not be doing so. It diminishes the accomplishment of every person who passed the test. Is that who we want telling armed men and women what to do?
Worst of all it sends the message that brothers and sisters can’t keep run in the same circles as whitey. It lets Latino kids know that they can only succeed if the playing field is leveled in their favor regardless of if they deserve it or not. I think it’s nothing more than white man’s guilt shining through, and if you want to call it payback for so many years of oppression, so be it. The white man being on top has to come to an end sometime. We had a good run, but maybe we let somebody with progressive ideas take the helm.
The one place that I think has it right is the NFL. The Rooney Rule which says when it comes to hiring of coaches, that minority candidates must be interviewed. I am all for giving somebody who hasn’t had the most opportunities a chance to shine. But I am not for giving somebody a job who is not the best candidate. Let’s face it, life is hard. You have to bust your ass and nobody hands anything to you. It doesn’t matter what color your skin is. The common mentality among kids in the hood is that the only way out is with a jump shot or being able to write tight rhymes, but the fact of the matter is that those are not narrow paths, they are akin to walking a tightrope made out of dental floss.
Shouldn’t we be teaching kids that with hard work and dedication they can be whatever they want, but at the same time they have to be realistic? What if we lowered the standards for basketball and hip hop for the sake of Affirmative Action? I say Steve Nash and Eminem only come around once in a generation.